Photo by Mike Lloyd on Unsplash
Studies show why most relationships are toxic. And here’s how we can fix that.
The problem with relationships and dating is that playing “hard-to-get” actually works. Scarcity increases a person’s perceived value and desirability.
A separate study even found that, when they’re looking to settle in a committed relationship, women preferred a man who isn’t “too easy” while men preferred women who are harder to get.
“The top two reasons for playing hard-to-get were to increase demand and to test a partner’s willingness to commit,” the research author explained.
The study showed that women tend to “stay busy,” “not talk a lot,” and “not call” to keep this illusion of scarcity. And men who want to appear less available resort to “saying all the right things but not calling,” “acting rude,” and straight-up “treating others like shit.”
Hence the stereotype that nice guys finish last. And “easy” girls are sluts.
Can’t we just be honest with ourselves and others? Can’t we simply meet people who are like us, connect, belong, and live happily ever after?
It’s easy to say, “I’m NOT going to let myself get emotionally abused/manipulated/drained.” Yet, too many of us fall into that trap anyway.
But our innate tendency to chase things for their novelty factor is really strong. Why do you think people are willing to pay over $69 million for the ownership of a “one-of-a-kind” digital token?
It’s likely hard-wired in our primate brains. Posturing and peacocking are probably more natural to us than we’d care to admit.
But most of us want genuine, honest, trustworthy relationships.
I don’t like the push-and-pull mind games. But we can’t ignore the idea that we do have toxic tendencies when managing our relationships.
It’s easy to say, “I’m NOT going to let myself get emotionally abused/manipulated/drained.” Yet, too many of us fall into that trap anyway.
We know all the right things to do. Knowledge is easy. But acting on that knowledge is a different thing altogether.
We’re manipulative by nature. And that’s okay.
A friend and I were eating when my landlady suddenly called. I took the call, and the conversation lasted for a few minutes. When I finally hung up, my friend looked shocked.
“That’s not how you talk!” she said and I laughed.
What she’d just seen was my “harmless Johnny” persona; his voice is higher, he speaks much slower, and he’s far friendlier than I ever really am. I used it on my landlady when we first met to negotiate a lower rate. She even let me do whatever I wanted with the place.
The funny thing is that I never intended to create that persona. I simply wanted to lower the rent rate and modify the space to suit my creative needs. But over time, it felt more unnatural to “drop the act” with my landlady. So I kept it up.
Manipulating people is something we learn early: If we didn’t get what we wanted, we kept our parents/caretakers up all night by bawling our eyes out.
As we grow, we start using the six manipulation tactics:
- Charm — unsurprisingly, the study found that is the most commonly used tactic.
- Silent treatment — often used in communicating disappointment.
- Coercion — ranges from petty “favors” to full-on blackmail.
- Reason — can you imagine the kind of world we’d have if this was the only manipulation tactic we ever used?
- Regression — this could mean withdrawal of attention, affection, etc.
- Debasement — lowering others or oneself (self-debasement) in status, esteem, or character.
Manipulation is natural. And it’s okay. Attention, time, and resources are scarce. And we manipulate to get a slice of that pie.
I think we get better results when we use it in our work and career. But not with personal relationships. Some tools aren’t meant for certain problems.
The “best” way to look at a relationship
I’ve received some advice that running your relationships like a business would make you happier. I think that’s great if it’s about having open communication or being accountable for your actions.
We can also use methods from other aspects of our lives to improve our relationships; like how running helped me manage my emotions.
But businesses thrive when their products are scarce. Scarcer products = higher value. And this mentality can unconsciously encourage us to appear more desirable by not being “too easy.”
Relationships aren’t investments or obligations. There are no ROIs or KPIs. It’s not a means to an end; it can only be the end in itself.
If we don’t want to build our relationships on a foundation of push-and-pull manipulative tactics, we’ll have to look at relationships differently.
Relationships aren’t investments or obligations. There are no ROIs or KPIs. It’s not a means to an end; it can only be the end in itself.
Replacing the Scarcity Mindset
Productivity experts will tell you that the best way to remove a habit is to replace it with a better, healthier one.
So what can we use to replace manipulation? How do we shift the way our minds seem to be wired?
This will sound simplistic. But both experience and science show they’re the only things that ever really worked: Kindness. Gratitude. Acceptance.
These three things place us in a state where love and belonging are abundant. We try not to be “too kind” because we don’t want to get taken advantage of — which totally makes sense. But being careful, thorough, and sensible can all co-exist with kindness, gratitude, and acceptance.
These are all pretty words. But how do we actually apply it?
1. Pay attention
You know this already. A friend of mine knows this as well. Yet both his girlfriend and mother feel neglected by him.
And I can see what his problem is (which happens to me too): he doesn’t really act on what he already knows.
Maybe you’re reading this while your date/friend/mother is on a restroom break or something. You’ll just distract yourself a little, you say. It wouldn’t hurt. The conversation wasn’t all that interesting anyway. Or maybe it’s become a natural impulse to look at your phone when you’re not doing anything.
I see the words “acceptance” and “kindness” thrown around a lot. But I could never practice it, in the actual sense of the word, until I looked at a person’s background, situation, and mindset.
If that’s the case, close your phone now and throw it away.
Being in the moment helps us see things more clearly. It offers us a view of the things we’ve successfully done and how far we’ve progressed, despite our self-debasement. It allows us to be grateful.
We miss a lot in the flurry of modern life. But practicing gratitude (like journaling about things you’re thankful for) helps us see and recognize the good things in our lives and relationships; a stranger’s random act of kindness, a productive morning, a spouse cooking you breakfast, and so forth. We can only see that if we’re paying attention.
2. Search for understanding
I once had a co-worker who always seemed to get instructions wrong. At first, I thought he’s just not too keen on details. And partly, maybe he is.
But the real reason was that he was swamped with work. He was too buried in deadlines that he didn’t have time to be thorough.
And he didn’t have the confidence to say no to our boss who, unknowingly, kept piling more tasks on his desk.
I see the words “acceptance” and “kindness” thrown around a lot. But I could never practice it, in the actual sense of the word, until I looked at a person’s background, situation, and mindset. When I start to truly understand and empathize with someone, that’s when I’m able to accept them for who they are.
I’m able to treat them like fellow individuals who could be going through tough times like I have, or chasing personal goals as I’ve done.
A little kindness, gratitude, and acceptance can really go a long way.